This week’s early childhood studies involved a deep look into conflict resolution. As I learn about the various strategies and skills that are necessary for successful resolution, I am able to test these skills in conflict that I currently am experiencing in my home. My husband has been severely health challenged for the past two years, and the entire family has suffered greatly. After approximately 13 months of being debilitated in hospitals and rehabilitation facilities, my husband came home eight weeks ago with an enormous amount of built up bitterness, anger and hostility towards me. During his incapacitation I had to take on his responsibilities of caring for the business and financial matters of our house. This temporary responsibility afforded me with information about the poor state of our accounts, which I was fortunate to be able to reestablish and maintain a good status until now. Since he has returned home, transferring things back into his hands has been turmoil—his need to feel in control and desire to handle his own finances has resulted in several dangerous displays of anger on his part, due to his inability to express his needs and feelings effectively.
The strategies that I have been testing on this situation have been to (1) to listen and identify the unmet needs of my husband (Billikopf, 2007); (2) present a broad range of solutions to the disagreement about his ability to handle all of the regained responsibilities of household business; and (3) seek out a mediator that would help us to obtain a better perspective on transforming our destructive arguing into constructive change (The Third Side, n.d.). My concerns are whether or not my husband’s insecurities would allow him to receive anything perceptually besides negative messages constituted by his beliefs that I have undermined his manhood by proving his methods of business dealing were ineffective. What do you think, and how would you handle this situation?
References
Billikopf, G. (2009, August). Conflict management skills. Retrieved from http://cnr.berkeley.edu/ucce50/ag-labor/7labor/13.htm
Cymantha,
ReplyDeleteI empathize with your situation. I had a friend whose husband came home from a 14 month tour in in Afghanistan. While away, she too discovered that they were severely in debt and worked to cut spending to reduce their debt significantly. When he returned, she was apprehensive about returning the control of the finances to him. It was very stressful on their marriage. They are, at this time, seeking counseling. I've not spoken to her much about it because she is easily upset by it. She tried asking him why the finances were in such bad shape, but she was met with hostile blaming. He suffers from post traumatic stress as well, so their therapist has recommended that they use many "I" statements to talk to each other about how they feel. I don't know if this will help you at all, but I certainly hope things get better and work out for you and your husband.
Cymantha,
ReplyDeleteHaving never been married, I find it hard to understand the partnership that forms between two people when they share their lives. I'm sorry to hear that your husband was ill and so happy for you that he is better. I think it's important to listen to your husbands needs, as you'd said. He must be feeling as though he has failed you in some way when leaving you with so much responsibility and being sick.
I remember when my father was out of work, my mother took on two jobs. She was exhausted and stressed out and my father had a feeling of helplessness and frustration. It was the only time in my life that I'd really seen them fight. My dad explained to me that he had always provided for his family and he felt as if he was failing his wife. Maybe you could ask your husband why he is feeling the need to be so controling. I also think that mediation could help since your husband is having so much trouble expressing himself.
Good luck! I hope all works out for both of you.